I don’t know how to describe my depression…it felt like a black hole…as if my mind was running on tunnel vision and I couldn’t see anything outside of that tunnel vision of negativity and grief. It got to the point that I lost interest in seeing any of my friends. I stopped going out. I slept in a lot. I cried a lot. I was going downhill. I could not snap out of it and all I could do was sit there and feel sorry for myself. I was conquered by my depression. It controlled me. I was a different person. The person that I never ever hoped to be.
Fast forward to a few months before I finally reached out to get some professional help.
It’s been 6 years now since I been on anti depressants. It took a lot of counselling sessions before a sweet counsellor over phone suggested that I go see a psychiatrist. Wrong move. I went along, though and asked my GP for a referral. What I don’t understand is to whether none of them; counsellor, GP, psychiatrist suggested that I see a psychologist first rather than to rely on medications to help me get better.
Either way it helped me get better. I was more assertive, more in control. I started to enjoy life and functioning like a normal person mentally. There would be times that I would feel down or overwhelmed by a traumatic event. It was normal. I was human. Anti depressants are not a happy pill. Rather than waking up with pessimistic thoughts, doubts and anxiety. I started to wake up every morning feeling rather ‘normal’. “Yes, today is a new day, a new chapter, I can’t wait what today will bring” I started to say to myself.
“I can see right through you, I can see right through your mask. Your fakery, your deceit, yet I will still smile and nod and act as if I am soaking up your glorious bullshit!.”
One of the best things I love about being an INFJ is our ‘intuitive’ side. We are great listeners and observers. We read, understand and can relate to others so well. Being highly sensitive individuals also plays a key a role in this ability to read others. We can detect the slightest change in your verbal and non verbal behaviours. This then allows us INFJs to see beyond appearances and apprehend a person’s deeper motives and intentions.
Depression is… the black cloud that hovers above your head every day, every minute, every second. No one can see it, but only you can feel it…taunting you…following you…stalking you…
Depression is… the collection of self made insecurities and negative thoughts, collected day by day twisting ordinary scenarios or small drama into something more volatile, more dark, more dramatic.
Depression is… like a thriller/horror movie. Full of darkness and suspense. The route to escape is just that harder to reach, just that further to reach. It’s sucking you in, torturing you bit by bit so that you feel the full throttle of it’s pain.
“Cheer up” they tell you. But it’s not as easy as just eating your favourite meal, going for a pamper session, going on a long holiday.
Depression is… the chemical imbalance in the brain.
We can’t help but question whether we are living our life to the fullest, whether we are really making the most of our time on earth. “What is the meaning of life?” we ask ourselves. “What is my purpose here?” we ask god. There are days where I am feeling like I am living it up 110% and then the next, I’m depressed as to where I stand in my life, what I have done so far, what I have achieved so far.
So many fantastic ideas that run through our heads at 110km/h yet little to no execution of these proposals.
Thoughts are racing, insomnia from time to time. If there were an on and off switch button in our heads, believe me, we would definitely put that to good use!
We soul search for answers. We try to gain spiritual fulfilment. Something rare in our ever booming consumer driven world.
Too much emotional energy wasted on unimportant people and events due to overthinking and our sensitivity to criticism and conflict. Too much. To the point where I hear myself screaming at the sidelines like a referee coach at a soccer match to just SHUT UP AND MOVE ON!