I remember the day, one lazy Sunday afternoon, scrolling through my Pinterest news feed then “Bam!”, I stopped dead in my tracks at an amazing quote I discovered: “We exist in physical form for a finite amount of time”. My mind starts racing, my heart starts pounding. Soon after I was posting this quote all over my social media. It was one of those life changing moments. As a typical INFJ I could not help but explore the meanings behind this lovely quote. I decided to apply this to my life and to ingrain it as my motto.
Moving forward, I discovered some photos on my mother’s phone, i check the date of each photos and could not believe how much time has passed. 2014…Four years ago…wow…I remember taking this photo like it was yesterday. It then struck me that time on this earth is limited and within a blink of an eye, another four years will pass. Another eight years will pass. Another 12 years will pass. There I am, continuing to live my life being self consumed by my anxiety and depression, letting my mental illness take control of my life. Living my life being reactive rather than proactive. It was then that I stood dead in my tracks and asked myself sincerely: “Tiffany…is this really how you wanted to live your life…no…never”.
I realised I could no longer approach my life the way that I have been these past years. I could no longer let trivial events, matters and people consume me and pummel me down to ground sub zero. I cannot. I will not. No more.
I ponder around, as if I have woken up from a very long and almost everlasting dream. I HAVE to take control of my life and live it the way that I want to. I NEED to take back my life and take control.
Enough is enough.
Too long have I let my anxiety get the best of me. Too long have I let others bring me down. Too long have I let petty work matters get to me. Too long have I remained reactive, no matter how many times I have made a pact with myself to change. Nothing changes if you remain the same.
Nothing changes if you remain the same. Nothing changes if you remain the same. This will be the toughest journey to recovery, but I need to fight for this. I need to want this. I need to give it my 100%.
Wherever I go and whichever job I hold, I know that drama and conflict is inevitable. There will always be someone who will eventually become my friend and someone in whom I cannot tolerate and work with. I know that this is life and life is full of obstacles. Life is a roller coaster. There are ups and there are downs.
However, battling with depression in the workplace is another. Being an INFJ, we are thinkers. Thinkers to the point where we think TOO much and can overthink at times. INFJ’s are sensitive individuals and we are very sensitive to conflict, even if it does not have anything to do with us. Conflict stresses us out. Conflict in a workplace stresses me out and being a thinker, I find it rather hard to stop thinking constantly day and night non-stop about it. I think and think and think. On my day off I would occasionally think about work, even though my work is not stressful at all!! It drives me crazy! It’s suffocating me and I need professional help. I am in need of redemption lord!
These past few years 90% of my thoughts have been filled with work. I have neglected my social life and am not surprised when I end up feeling lonely. Of course! I been neglecting my poor friends! They probably got sick of it and decided to pack their bags up and wave goodbye to my sorry ass. Sighs. My partner has voiced out his frustration in regards to my work problems. He is sick of hearing about my work dilemmas and how it is making me miserable.
I been job hopping quite frequently due to a mix of my depression and my bad luck with work. It is definitely something I am not proud of. The longest job that I have stayed at is 2.5 years and it was a casual job, thus I did not work regularly there. I am fast approaching my late 20’s and I need to think about making my own family. I want to become a mother soon. However, this important plan in my life has only been on my mind for a mere 6% of my time.
I have only just recently questioned the relationship of depression and the workplace. I came about a post by Jenny Bromfield:
“At 34 years old, I’ve had countless jobs, and a lot of them are jobs people would be (and are) extremely content and happy to have gotten. I have left each and every one of them. I got the jobs because I am good at what I do. Customer service and sales are my forte and I’m not ashamed to admit it. What I am ashamed to admit is I have never held a job for much longer than two years. I saw a quote this evening that sums up these thoughts: “Depression lies.” It is so true. Had I not been depressed and just been overloaded, I could have asked for help and come back to my high-performing self. Instead, I let myself get further and further into the darkness, and finally end up finding another job, feeling like I’m “bettering” myself. In reality, I was avoiding the issues all together. I would then start in another role and begin the cycle again.”
I have never felt so understood and I found myself physically nodding to every single thing that was written by her. I found myself asking myself “oh god, how do you know me so well Jenny!!!!”
Self pity parties and tears have made home in my bedroom and my mind is yet to continue on analysing every person, every situation in regards to work. Work, work, work. That is all that I can think about.
At times, I find reading a good book or watching an interesting drama to assist me in dealing with my problems. These outlets have assisted me in diverging myself in a fantasy world and has helped me direct my focus elsewhere. I find myself happier and able to cope. However, unfortunately, these cheap and fast outlets are only short-term and do nothing for me in the long-term.
I have come to the conclusion that I am in need to get professional help from a mental health professional to assist me in working out strategies for myself, to tackle this vicious “work cycle” head on. I am proud of myself to be able to identify what hasn’t been working for me and where I can get help. Now all that’s left is to seek that help and to apply the right strategies to my problems in order to seek out change.
I have also come to the conclusion that it may be ideal for me to seek out industries or workplaces that have supportive or “nicer” employees or a better team environment to work in. I have found some in the past, but due to my stupidity and other external circumstances, I have left or either had to leave due other reasons.
I believe what also makes me think about work and putting a lot of emphasis on my career is the fact that we humans will or end up spending more time in the workplace than we do at home and with loved ones. Thus, it is natural to come across some sort of stress that are work-related. Society has also put a lot of emphasis on working women and the need to develop their careers, as well as this so called ‘consumer driven world that we live in.’
Have any of you guys had a similar experience? If so, how have you dealt with it? Signing out, your dear INFJ friend, Tiff.
I don’t know how to describe my depression…it felt like a black hole…as if my mind was running on tunnel vision and I couldn’t see anything outside of that tunnel vision of negativity and grief. It got to the point that I lost interest in seeing any of my friends. I stopped going out. I slept in a lot. I cried a lot. I was going downhill. I could not snap out of it and all I could do was sit there and feel sorry for myself. I was conquered by my depression. It controlled me. I was a different person. The person that I never ever hoped to be.
Fast forward to a few months before I finally reached out to get some professional help.
It’s been 6 years now since I been on anti depressants. It took a lot of counselling sessions before a sweet counsellor over phone suggested that I go see a psychiatrist. Wrong move. I went along, though and asked my GP for a referral. What I don’t understand is to whether none of them; counsellor, GP, psychiatrist suggested that I see a psychologist first rather than to rely on medications to help me get better.
Either way it helped me get better. I was more assertive, more in control. I started to enjoy life and functioning like a normal person mentally. There would be times that I would feel down or overwhelmed by a traumatic event. It was normal. I was human. Anti depressants are not a happy pill. Rather than waking up with pessimistic thoughts, doubts and anxiety. I started to wake up every morning feeling rather ‘normal’. “Yes, today is a new day, a new chapter, I can’t wait what today will bring” I started to say to myself.
“I can see right through you, I can see right through your mask. Your fakery, your deceit, yet I will still smile and nod and act as if I am soaking up your glorious bullshit!.”
One of the best things I love about being an INFJ is our ‘intuitive’ side. We are great listeners and observers. We read, understand and can relate to others so well. Being highly sensitive individuals also plays a key a role in this ability to read others. We can detect the slightest change in your verbal and non verbal behaviours. This then allows us INFJs to see beyond appearances and apprehend a person’s deeper motives and intentions.
Depression is… the black cloud that hovers above your head every day, every minute, every second. No one can see it, but only you can feel it…taunting you…following you…stalking you…
Depression is… the collection of self made insecurities and negative thoughts, collected day by day twisting ordinary scenarios or small drama into something more volatile, more dark, more dramatic.
Depression is… like a thriller/horror movie. Full of darkness and suspense. The route to escape is just that harder to reach, just that further to reach. It’s sucking you in, torturing you bit by bit so that you feel the full throttle of it’s pain.
“Cheer up” they tell you. But it’s not as easy as just eating your favourite meal, going for a pamper session, going on a long holiday.
Depression is… the chemical imbalance in the brain.
Depression is.. the mental illness that I am battling with.